Year 2020

Whew! I can't believe I've had this blog for over 15 years! And where did 2019 go? It feels like it just passed by. Looking back, it felt like I didn't do much (nothing life changing or to be too excited about) last year and this year, I want to make sure I don't do the same. It feels like I was so consumed in pleasing others that I neglect my own needs. Old habits do die hard!

Why did I say such? As far as I can remember, all I ever do is gain approval from others. It started at home and when I didn't get it from there, I looked elsewhere. It always feel like I wasn't good enough because I kept being told I wasn't good enough. So everytime someone did say I'm more than enough, I didn't believe it.

I feel truly blessed as I met people who made me realize things. Some good and some bad. I did kick the habit of people pleasing at some point. However, as I was living with it all my life, I came back to the same toxic shit because it was where I was comfortable with. I also have the habit of not facing what I felt at the moment, I tend to keep it in and try to talk it out myself (and be passive aggressive about it). Until I get to the point that I no longer know what to do with it and set it aside for so long and eats me up inside until it becomes rage. I didn't understand it until now that I caused all the loneliness and anger that I was experiencing. This is the part where I emotionally eat to feel good about anything. This has become an addiction to the point that I feel physical pain whenever I try to get up from bed or from sitting down.

Moving forward, I want to do more this year. I'm not going to make a new year's resolution out of this. This year is about healing myself and putting myself first and loving myself in a positive way. I will steer clear of anything that causes drama and try to remove anything toxic (be it a person or food) habits and focus on becoming the best that I can be so I can give my best to others. And the only resolution I would make is that when I look back in 2021, that I am a better person than I used to be (or even just a little healthier 😉).