Quoted

A lot of times, a quote will pop up at the right time when you cannot find the right words to express how you are feeling or thinking. As an overthinking female (as most in this gender are), I tend to have a mini conversations in my head trying to figure out why certain things turned out the way they did and why did some people reacted the way they did and so on. Or maybe it's my introverted self is getting the best out of me and just want to keep it all in (Yeah, better believe it! I'm more of an introvert than the opposite like what most people believed) (and trust me, I've taken all those personality tests over and over! Even I don't believe it myself at first. We'll go further into that on another post). 

Why did this quote hit hard, you may wonder? First of, I have nothing against any religion (unless they show cult like signs). At one point in my life, I was obssessed in going to church that I spend a whole day listening to christian services (That would be 3 services in one day and I have attended the anticipated service the day before plus the Wednesday service). I'm roman catholic by birth but I do like to know what goes on in other religions. As a child I remember going to church (roman catholic church) with my parents, every Sunday and I would always fell asleep. I fell asleep because I never understood why we were there and no one explained it to me. I grew up in a semi-catholic school (meaning 95% of the students are catholic) but still, I never understood why I have to recite the Hail Mary at 100 kms/min a number of times. But I never questioned it and just went along because I got tired of not knowing. Even though we had nuns as teachers to some of the subjects taught in school, not one of them explained the whys and were I only understood that I'd go to hell if I asked to many questions. One of the most memorable heated discussions that I had with a nun was when she told the class that A. I. D. S came from the homosexuals. I remember I was the only one who protested that it was not true because although at that time I didn't understand the whys of a lot of things (and at that time, I didn't even know I was a lesbian), there is just something about what she said that is just wrong (back then, all labels such as bigotry is non existent). After that incident, I started to realize that not everything taught in school is right. It had made such an impact on me that until now I remember it like it was just a few months back. 

There was also a time that I almost coverted to become a born again christian. Before I got addicted to religion, I felt so lost that I don't know what I was doing anymore. I didn't do anything to harm myself physically but mentally, I was way off. I was at a point when I feel that my life has no meaning or purpose (not suicidal though, remember, I'm a people pleaser by nature, I don't want the people I love to go through any pain when I kill myself). And all of this because of a break up (betrayal from someone I trust wholeheartedly is something I have a hard time moving on from) (you may call this a divine intervetion or redirection as some believed 😜). But the good thing is, if that break up did not happen, I wouldn't have the answers to the whys that I have when I was in hgh school. 

Before you can be reborn, you have to go through one on ones with someone from that religion. Let's call this the recruitment stage. Weekly, you will meet up face to face with you "coach" and share intimate things (such as me being openly lesbian) and pray for things you are grateful for. It is nice for me to do this as I learned to break some walls and share what is in my heart. I was so dead set on converting until the time my "coach" prayed over me and she prayed that I'd be "healed" from being a LESBIAN. I've stopped meeting her after that and little by little, I've stopped coming to their church. 

You may think I have stopped believing in God after the instances that I have mentioned. I have other experiences with "holier than thou" church goers which I will no longer share with you as I feel two instances are enough. But after all of those bad things that happened, I still believe in God and what he stands for (that's between Him and me) and I also believed that there are also good and sincere people who are in church. I just and would never believe that people who are always present in church and memorized and can recite the Hail Mary at 100 kms/min are better people. Why? Because in the end, we all came from Him (or Her) and how you treat others and how you spent your time on earth is how you are going to be judged.