Legos

We all have that childhood friend with whom we grew apart from as we grew older. Some because of different interests, met new friends, acquired different beliefs or perspectives and the list goes on and on. Whatever the reason was, there will always be a tiny part of us that wished it hadn't. 

Last month, I started reconnecting with one of my childhood friends which still lives a few houses from our house. We decided to get fit and we both are too lazy to visit the gym. I told her we can we can start by going on a stroll by the plaza in our village. I love to walk, like literally walk anywhere! While we walk, we would talk about life and other things we do, what stresses us out and mostly about any girl I had a crush on or crushing at the moment, lol!

Anyway, on one of our walks, out of the blue, she mentioned this girl that I used to be really close to when I was young. Anyone who knows me knows that I am such a weirdo when I was a child. I didn't really made a lot a of close friends until I was in high school. Most of the kids I met (yes, including this friend that I am now taking walks with.), I'm no longer friends with. She told me that we should visit her sometime because she is sick and is only at home all the time. I felt uncomfortable as I no longer talk to this person due to reasons I cannot disclose, but I did tell her what it was and made her swear not to tell anyone. Being the good friend that she is, she respected my decision not to reconnect with this friend and told me she'll ask again some other time as she was really concerned about her. 

Last Saturday, my friend called me while I was at work. She forgot that I was working every Saturday so I told her I'll drop by her house when I get home. We did message each other for a few minutes but I was too busy with other things that day that I stopped replying to our conversation. I only remembered that she asked me about this friend that she wants to busy. While on the bus, I messaged her back and asked "what's up?" She didn't reply right away which made me wonder about that person so I decided to open her Facebook page.

"Nasa Huli ang Pagsisi"

When I opened her page, that's when I saw what happened. She died 2 days before that day. No one told me but that friend who found out from her mom that morning. My whole family knew but no one even bothered to tell me. My commute was one of the longest commute I've ever had to face in my life. Not because there was traffic (surprisingly, there was no traffic that day.), it was because of all the things that I could've done before she passed. I've been putting it off for years thinking that we all have this time to reconnect with someone. I've wonder if what was her last thoughts before it all ended. Did she felt loved? Was she happy? And what made it worse is that she posted something on her timeline asking for financial help so she can go to the hospital (which I didn't see until that day). Now I have all this regrets. I keep telling myself things to justify my actions but that's just it. I still feel guilty and now there is nothing I can do to make up for lost time. All I have are the memories (good and bad) to comfort me. I do hope that she didn't feel alone when it happened. 

"Aftermath"

This experience has taught me to always set aside my pride and ego especially when it comes with relationships with other people. If I had reached out last month when my friend asked me to, I wouldn't be in this position. No matter how much my friend consoles me, I felt that I failed at some point as a friend. Truth be told, I am part the person that I am today because of her. I remember all the things we shared when we were kids. The songs she listens to, the street food that we used to eat, the food she loves to cook, the sleep overs, and the lego set that she lets me play for as long as I want to. It felt good to remember all the memories I had with her,it somehow eases the guilt to know that we have those good memories together regardless of what happened between us. I know this post will never do justice to honor her memory and I know it is too late now as she has reached the end of her life. Wherever you are, Ate Jo, I wish you are happy where you are now, free from pain and suffering.