Moving on...

10th of September 2012

One of the longest day of my life. I went to work at 5am. Dreading the time my shift would end. Thinking that it has been 1 year and 1 month with her, and I have to decide if we should celebrate, or if I should walk away. I love her so much but I was miserable. Should I confront her? Or should I just keep on pretending that what was happening is not hurting me so I can keep her longer.  I know what will happen but I keep prolonging the inevitable because I was afraid... Afraid that if we start talking about it we would both realize that its no longer working for the both of us. That both of us are miserable and we were too proud to admit it. But as expected,work has to end sometime and I have to go home.

Home. For months, I keep feeling happy and sad at the same time when it's time to go home. I would rather do overtime work than to go home. It's crazy I know but that was I was feeling at that time. Happy to go home because I get to spend time with her. That she would be waiting for me, to give me kisses and hugs that would make me feel good inside after a long day at work. Sad because I can't put into words all the angst and frustrations that I have been hiding because of our relationship without hurting her. For months I've tried to pretend that I was ok, that things will get better soon. But all the bottled emotions and unspoken conversations are catching up. And now its in front of me and I have to face them. I know I have to confront her about the other girl and I know the moment I go home, things will be different. Pandora's box has exploded, and there is no turning back.

Aftermath

A lot of shouting on my end and a lot of denying on her end. Hurtful things were said out of anger. And the only thing that is keeping me sane is the TV. All I can think of is how could she do that to me? I am aware that this did not happened overnight. I know I had some faults. But for her to cheat on me? She literally threw our relationship out the window. All I can think of is I cannot fix this. I was angry. Then I felt numb. I felt worthless and unworthy of anything. But I still love her. I cannot walk away from that. For a week, every time that I finish a call, I would cry. We still sleep on the same bed and I would pretend that I was sleeping and wait for her to come home every night like I usually do. Every time she does come home, I keep wishing that all of that just happened is just a dream and she would hug me and tell me that all is good. But that night never came.

We were like that for 2 weeks. It seemed short but for me, it seemed like forever. No more kisses... no more hugs... no more I love you's... no more dinners together... it was never the same. I was never the same. I thought this will be my life from now on. It's over and I have to live with it.

I thought of quitting. Pack up my life,quit my job and start over. But my feelings are holding me back. I love her and I'm still in love with her. The need for me to make things right with her is much greater than doing what is right for me. I don't want to look back at this defeat having all the what ifs unanswered. Then the unexpected happened. We did things that we shouldn't be doing. Things on my book would be cheating but I did not care. I got my kisses and my hugs back. I had hope and that things will be okay and the way it should be.  I threw my morals out and I focused on what can be done to make things better. We had a kind of relationship had all the perks of a girlfriend but no commitments. She is still with her new girlfriend but I get to have her whenever time permits. It was fun at first but conscience has its way of making you realize that you are going the wrong way.

 I went away for a week and on my way back I realized this has got to stopped. I need to move out. I need to let go of the love I feel for her to make things right. In order for me to forgive her, I need to forgive myself.

Now: Once a door closes, a window opens.

Looking back these past few months was difficult, writing about it was harder! I can say now that I'm much better compared 2 months ago. A lot of good things has happened. And I'm thankful thatGod put me through all this pain to make me appreciate all the blessings He has provided. It is true that God will not give us problems that we cannot handle. I really thought that my life was over when I lost her. But I guess God proved me wrong as always. I found peace of mind after moving out. Don't get me wrong, moving on does not mean that I no longer love her. I still and will always do. But I have come to accept that she is not the one.  I have forgiven myself and I have forgiven her. I know most will not believe what I'm going to say next but I really wish her the best and I hope she is is happy.

What I realized after all of this chaos that I was going through,is that you fail to care about anything else. All you understand is the pain that you are feeling. The anger. The negative emotions. It affected my work to the point that I really thought i will lose my job by Christmas. I was very fortunate to have people around me who are so understanding and patient, who stuck by me no matter how mean I got (believe me, I was evil mean).  I know still not over her completely and only God knows when but one things for sure... I'm slowly healing. I am happy where I am now with my life. And I'm looking foward to what the future will bring. New chapters and new beginnings.