You are the One

I heard this song and it reminded me of you. It's been 6 long years and I haven't faced the fact, you are no longer in my life...

Some may know who I'm talking about and most will wonder which person I'm referring to. Some will not care but I figured since this is my blog and if you are reading it, you have no choice but to read on to find out. I've never written about her and maybe because I haven't figured out what happened or maybe I'm still hoping that sooner or later I'll forget her eventually or she may come back and tell me that she didn't mean what she said or something wonderful may come out of it. But to tell you the truth, I haven't seen her since she broke up with me by text.

Some 3 years ago, I got the courage to text her but the moment she found out it was me, she stopped replying. As persistent as I am, I kept messaging, hoping she would be mean and tell me to fuck off but that didn't happen. I'm writing about this now because finally I have decided to let what I feel for her go. This is not for her but for me. Most of my friends know this story as I have told it countless times.

I clearly remember the day I first saw you, it was my first day in my first job, a few months after I've graduated. You walked past by me and I knew right then and there that I fell in love with you at first sight. The feelings I had for you grew real and there was no turning back. I loved you even before knowing you and I know I'll be in trouble. People who don't like you wonder why I like you but people who do seem to understand. Every agent on the floor know how much I adore you but no one dared to tell you because I have told everyone it should come from me. It's funny that when you are with people who respects you as a person, they will support your every whim. People who I have become friends with at that company will come to me to report what you have been doing. Even your agents will tell me stories about what you have told them that by the time you were telling me about it, I've heard it a hundred times before. I can remember how everytime I would raise my hand for help, you will magically appear out of nowhere and ask me what's wrong. Masungit ka pa nga nun e! Feeling ko naababala kita. That's when I have decided that I will be the best that I can be so I don't have to raise my hand to ask you silly questions.

Over the past few months, I have improved until I was chosen to be on an elite sales group. This has boost my confidence even more. I started talking to you in the elevator, giving you candies (for that I have to give everyone candies too), and going to the bathroom even of I don't have to go just to see you. I always tell everyone that I'm happy with just the sight of you and I wouldn't dare ask for more. My friends would call me 'torpe' but I don't mind. In my mind, there is no way in hell someone like you can ever like someone like me. I'm a nobody. I'm happy seeing you every night and those small talks we had is one of the highlights of my night. And walking you to Tropical Hut to make sure you get to ride the bus or jeepney safely (without you knowing, of course!) But I guess, Mother Destiny has other plans for us.

It was 2 weeks after my 25th birthday. My friends and I are hanging out in front of our building. I remember it was 04/11 and a Holy Tuesday. (Why I remember? Because the day before I had a gut feeling that something great will happen.) 7 months of admiring you from afar (stalker lang), I had the most amazing day of my life. This is the day when I officially met you and you will no longer call me 'girl'. A friend of mine approach me and offered to go with me to Guadalupe so that we can follow her home. In exchange, I would loan her a hundred pesos. Being sheltered by my mom all my life and taking me places by cab, I have no idea where Guadalupe is (let alone how to go anywhere I haven't been to by cab alone). I told my friend, you can have the money but make sure I'll be able to go home afterwards. As we were talking, you then came, with your friend holding a cup of coffee and sat near the door! My heart pounded and I have waited for an hour and a half for you and the sun is almost shining but you and your friend seems to enjoy whatever it is you are talking about. As one of my worse and best qualities is being impulsive, I got up and approached you. All my friends were watching in amazement as they know how big of a step that was for me. Since your friend usually sits beside me at work, I asked her if she and you would like to join me and my friends for drinks. When your friend answered, I thought I heard wrong. I can remember her saying "Sasama ako, kung sasama si A..." that moment felt like eternity but I know only a few second has passed. By this time, all my friends are watching and listening for me to make a move, all I need to do is turn around and ask you. And to my amazement you said yes.

The next few days has been a dream. I only remember being in pain when you confronted me in a cafe, I remember going to a place called providence because someone texted me that you are inviting me (blind fate? I don't even know who was texting? I remember watching a horror flick with you (I hate those! But having you next to me for about 2 hours is the best feeling I've had watching something that scares the shit out of me.) I remember having breakfast with you til lunch. I remember waiting with you until you ride your bus home. I remember chatting with you until your shift is over by ym. I remember sharing ice cream with you while we watch tv. I remember the first time we kiss, the first time you held my hand. I remember a lot of silly things that we do together even until now. It feels like only yesterday even if its eons ago. It's funny how tightly we hold on to the things that made us happy at some point and that's the thing about letting go, you also have to let go of all the good stuff that happened as well.  Maybe this is why I have a lot of trouble getting over you.

Our relationship was never perfect but I can honestly say that I loved everything about you. I can go on and on forever writing about you but that will never changed the fact that you are no longer mine and I really have to move on. When I first received your sms, saying that you need time for yourself and you are sorry, I felt numb. I did not reply because I was so mad at you. How dare you break up with me over a text message? You even have the nerve to call me 'mahal'? I hated you so much because you made me feel worthless,like I don't even deserve an explanation?! I run it through my kind until I'm beyond anger. All I feel is rage over the mention of you or anything that reminds me of you. I vowed that I will make you feel the hurt that you have made me feel. Out of this rage, I forgot who I was and every time I'm drunk, the rage I feel for you always comes out and I would make sure that whoever is listening will feel the pain that you have caused me. Mentally even physically.

I'm writing this post now as it recently dawned on me that it is not you who I 'm feeling the rage for. It was actually me. Looking back, I remember that a few weeks before I received your text, to avoid an argument, I would just agree with whatever it is that you want to argue about. It all started when I asked you where do you see our relationship going and you gave me the same answer that you did when we first started going out "di ko alam". I got tired and I felt lost. Deep within me I want to end the relationship but my feelings got in the way. I love you so much but it feels that I'm trapped in a relationship that is going nowhere. I started being cold as these feelings ate me up inside. After a few weeks,it's all over. I let you go and that's that. I'm mad at myself because I broke the first promise I ever made with you and that is... we tell each other everything, no lies. This made me miserable.

I can never unlove you and I would never wish to. As I close this chapter in my life I can only hope that where ever you are,that you are happy and I sincerely mean that, Aileen. And if you and I can only be happy apart then I will have to come into turn and accept that. I'm sorry for all the trouble I have caused and I'm thankful that even for a short period of time, you have spent your time making me the happiest girl in the world. Now as I'm approaching my 33rd year on my life on Earth, my only wish is to finally get closure from you and to know that we are best apart than together but I know this will happen in God's perfect timing.